When a Mother Begins Writing Again: The Story Behind “Before the Morning Came”

It began in May 2014 and ended on August 7, 2022. This was the period when my youngest son, JM, and I battled the deadly “black dog”—a common metaphor for major depressive disorder (MDD). He was diagnosed in 2014, and almost a decade later, his frail body and exhausted mind succumbed to years of illness, medications, hospitalizations, and the relentless struggle to stay afloat.

For nearly a decade, I stood beside my son as his mother, caregiver, advocate, and sometimes simply as the person who stayed when he was at his lowest. I witnessed his darkest episodes, his moments of recovery, his attempts to rebuild his life, and the courage it took for him to keep going.

When JM died on August 7, 2022, something inside me went quiet. I went into hiatus mode with almost all my social media accounts inactive for years. Except for my family, brethren in Christ, and a few of my closest friends, I avoided communicating with the world I once knew and lived in.

I had been a writer for most of my adult life. Writing had been my profession, my means of expressing myself, and one of the ways I made sense of the world. Yet after my son’s death, I could not write—not even for myself. The words that had once come so easily seemed to have abandoned me.

I had retired from government service in June 2021, and before JM’s death, I had been thinking about returning to writing. I imagined contributing articles to online publications, perhaps taking on some writing projects, and simply keeping myself occupied during retirement.

Then grief changed everything.

For years, I carried my memories of JM silently. I had photographs, messages, medical records, conversations, and countless moments stored in my mind. But I could not bring myself to put them into words.

Until one morning in February 2026.

I came across an online news report about a young person who had died after jumping from a Light Rail Transit station. As I read the story, I began thinking about the family left behind—the parents who would have to face a grief I knew all too well.

Then something prompted me to start researching, and I came across other suicide stories of young people suffering from mental health issues.

As I thought of the harrowing situation the parents of these young people must be going through, an idea formed in my mind – why not write a book – a memoir of my journey with JM battling his mental health issues together for almost a decade. Something that other families going through a similar situation to what I have endured might be able to relate to and find a bit of encouragement, hope, and inspiration.

From manuscript to printed copies

As if propelled by an unseen force, I sat down in front of the computer, and the words just came pouring out. For a while, I thought it would be hard for me to do this since I hadn’t done any writing for so long – but it seemed like I couldn’t stop.

I finished all ten chapters of Before the Morning Came in less than a month, formatted the manuscript in a digital version, and submitted it to Amazon Kindle.

A sense of profound joy and peace came over me when I saw my memoir published on Amazon Kindle on March 11. It was as if I had arrived at my final destination, but I realized God is not finished with me yet.

I began reactivating my dormant social media accounts, reconnecting with people I once knew, and creating my author’s page.

However, some friends, relatives, and former officemates told me it was difficult to purchase my memoir on Amazon and urged me to have a few copies printed so they could buy them.

This started my quest to become a publisher.

I applied for an ISBN with the National Library of the Philippines and was directed to the National Book Development Board to register as an author/publisher.

After some failed attempts due to technical glitches, I finally submitted the requirements to NBDB. On June 2, I personally went to their office and received my Certificate of Registration.

As I stared at that parchment paper with its embossed gold seal, I felt that my journey as a writer and publisher had not come to an end; rather, it was just beginning.

And now, after months of praying and consulting the Lord, He gave me the courage and the resources (not much, just enough to cover the printing cost), as I took a leap of faith, contacted a printer, and announced that the printed version of Before the Morning Came will soon be available. 

And the response almost made me cry – people I haven’t talked to for years – former work colleagues, fellow solo parents’ advocates, JM’s friends and former classmates, my own friends I have not seen for decades- all responded positively, reserving copies and sending me words of encouragement. Some of my high school batchmates who reside abroad bought their copies on Amazon.

However, I wanted my memoir to reach those who will truly benefit from it, so I went a step further and organized a Book Launching and Community Read-Along Session: A Mental Health Awareness Event on August 21, from 3 to 5 pm to be broadcast live on my author’s Facebook page @Carina Javier.

Given my vision for an in-person event, I decided to make it an online activity because of the intermittent rain. While planning the event, another blessing arrived. I requested a former colleague at DSWD-Central Office, Joy, who emceed events during our tenure in the agency, 

If she could emcee my book launch, offering a free copy of the book as her professional fee, but she declined, saying she would do it and buy the book as well to support my endeavor.

Truly, the Lord paves the way, and I am beyond grateful.

So, this coming Friday, I am hoping and praying that this memoir, which was borne out of love, loss, grief, and hope, will finally reach others who may be experiencing their longest night, waiting for morning to come.

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Also Read: 

• 10 Ways Solo Parents Can Support a Child Struggling with Mental Health
• 7 Surprising Ways Food and Local Culture Turn Trips Into Lifelong Memories